You know what? I Let Go

TIRED OF MEDICATION
Early May

Got it, found my phone. Huh, it's already this late! I drag myself up in bed. Everything turns gray for a moment, and my ears start buzzing. Then the pink flowers on my bedroom wallpaper come back into focus. Now get out of bed! I don't feel like it. My new medication makes me so tired.

🙏 'Please, God, help me!' I pray, 'help me get through this day!'

CHILLING IN NATURE: Thank you Lord

Voice memo, May 16

Here I am, surrounded by the beauty of the forest. My backpack leans against a tree trunk, the thermos with coffee sits in the moss. It's absolutely delightful to be back here. I still feel pretty tired, but this morning I told myself, "Come on, let's do this." Now I feel the wind on my skin and see the sunlight shifting across the moss. I lean forward and touch it: wow, it feels rougher than I thought. Deep sigh. Another sigh, and then silence. Okay, I won't walk to my favorite wooden bench under the beech tree (5 kilometers away). I accept that I can't do that and simply enjoy what I can do. Sitting here and breathing in the scent of the forest. What a beautiful bonus. Thank You, Lord.

🎙️ End of voice memo

"The forest is quiet; even when it whispers, it's still quiet. Because the trees, even when they're closely packed, adhere to something that humans, despite the promises they make to each other, so rarely adhere to: it stays between us." Søren Kierkegaard

LIVING WITH SIDE EFFECTS: Seeking balance 

May 25

Over 7 days have passed! It took a long time for the side effects to subside (or rather, for me to cope with them). During the first few weeks, I didn't dare to drive a car and skipped the Sunday gatherings. The worst part for me was the slowness in my thinking and the feeling of dullness. I still find it quite inconvenient.

HOPE IN DIFFICULT TIMES: Praying at Bethesda 

"Praying at Bethesda" helps. What a beautiful book! In Chapter 1, Joni E. writes about the dark time she went through after an accident and while being hospitalized.

I quote:

"I desperately wanted to cry. Instead, I suppressed my tears and comforted myself with one of those classic hymns: 'Pass me not, O gentle Savior, Hear my humble cry, While on others Thou art calling, do not pass me by.' As I sang those words or softly hummed the melody in the silent night of my hospital room, I always thought of the pool of Bethesda in the Book of John 5. When friends visited me in the hospital, I often asked them to read that passage. John tells the story of a man who had been lying by the pool of Bethesda for 38 years. And then it says that Jesus saw him lying there and knew 'how long he had been in that condition.' In my imagination, I was lying there too, seeing Him standing by the pool while the disciples wondered why He lingered and didn't just walk to the temple. And then I would call out to Him and beg Him not to pass me by, not to ignore me: 'Lord Jesus, here I am! Please, don't pass me by! Heal me, please! Help me, please. Don't leave me lying here!'

In reality, Jesus had seen me all along, even though I didn't understand that at the time. He knew me. He knew my fear, my sorrow, my despair, my desires, and my immeasurable needs. And He didn't pass me by. Throughout all those years, He never passed me by. And He will never pass me by, for all eternity. The fact that I was lying by the pool of Bethesda was, of course, only in my imagination. But Jesus' unceasing 'watchcare' and His compassion are not imagination." Source: Praying at Bethesda, Joni Eareckson Tada

📝 End of quote 

🎧 "Pass me not": see video below

😍 Beautiful (this comforted me):

"In reality, Jesus had seen me all along, even though I didn't understand that at the time. He knew me. He knew my fear, my sorrow, my despair, my desires, and my immeasurable needs. And He didn't pass me by. Throughout all those years, He never passed me by. And He will never pass me by, for all eternity."

LET GO AND LIVE: Vulnerability and God's love 

This little book helped me put everything back in its place inside me. It also helped me embrace my vulnerability. Joni feels like a wise big sister, with a wealth of experience, bringing me closer to God. 

Beside Bethesda, Joni Eareckson Tada (video)

May 26

I'm going to wrap up my blog now. Today, I planted my two lilies in the garden. They outgrew their pots. It was such a lovely moment with the sun on my face, my hands in the soil, and mama robin very close by.

"Distract your thoughts, look down at the lily, and stop staring at your worries. Look up at the bird and stop staring at your worries." Søren Kierkegaard 

🌞🌿 What was your favorite little moment of happiness this week?