Worried "angsthaas" searching for glimmers of light

Oh no, that really gives me a stomach ache! With a quick movement, I click away from the blog post. [1] My goal was simple: find the quote. As I scrolled through my posts, the echo of the past caught up with me. 

Coffee and Tear-off Calendar
I get up and walk downstairs to get some coffee. The smell alone perks me up. With a full mug, I pause by my tear-off calendar. Forgotten... It's already Tuesday! [2] I tear off the top sheet with my free hand

Let's see what's on it 👇

 

Don't fixate on the gray clouds, but search for a glimmer of light among them. Source: unknown

My darkness was there every day (2011)
OK, a matter of mindset, right? I search for "beautiful things" every new day and discover a hundred thousand lights in the wonder of the ordinary. But 11 years ago, I couldn't do that at all. I just read about it, and it gave me a pang in my stomach. Back then, I longed for light, but my darkness was there every day.

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No need to doll yourself up
Do you also find it difficult to stay positive when you're in the midst of misery? I was there. And it's okay: the dark emotions. I even think they must exist because how else can you process reality and get closer to yourself? You don't need to doll yourself up and desperately search for bright spots.

💔 How raw it is

I needed people who would sit next to me without saying anything. And the next day, and the day after that too. That would have been nice. I remember those who did that.

Pfff... serious talk!

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Saw those in real life!
Back to a slightly lighter setting. Speaking of glimmers of light: I saw those in real life during my walk. The sun kept peeking through the clouds. I wrote about it in my diary.

From my diary
Monday, August 28th

My hands feel cold and stiff. It's chilly... autumn is coming! I feel it deep in my fingers' bones... I see the gray sky open up before my eyes: look, there's a big streak of sky blue. But the clouds are still there, hanging low above the tops of the pine trees in the distance, and above my head too.

Is rain coming? My app says no. I double-checked before I left. Yep, always, always want to cover my bases for what's coming. Too bad, because that doesn't work. The weather is so unpredictable, and so is life. God knows the present and sees my future. Is that enough for me? Yes.

My vacation is over. I'm eager to start, but at the same time, I'm dreading it. I can already see trouble brewing. What if...  Oh no, I don't want to think like that. Blow away, you thoughts!

End of diary page

An overanxious "angsthaas"

Now I'm back in my writing room. I smile as I read my diary snippet. The gray clouds didn't bring a drop of rain! I call myself an overanxious scaredy-cat (angsthaas in Dutch). Someone once whispered in my ear: more women have that. That's why I share a quote I read last week. This one helped me let my unpleasant thoughts blow away with the wind this morning.

Quote by Martyn Lloyd Jones:

The problems of tomorrow will come, but then it will already be tomorrow and not today. If you want to walk through life without shortchanging yourself and being anxious, which might affect your health and nerves, these are the main rules: don't carry the day of yesterday or the day of tomorrow with you; live for today; for the twelve hours that this day holds. Realize that the God who helps you today will still be the same God tomorrow and will help you tomorrow too. Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Leave everything to Him, trust Him, be assured that He will always go ahead of you, as the Bible says. Go to Him, and you'll see that He's already there, that He knows everything, and also everything about you. Source: Sermons on the Mount, Martyn Lloyd Jones

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Live for today
I'm trying. That's how I find glimmers of light among the gray clouds. Look what I saw during my walk!

Twice a bit of beauty (glimmers of light)

1. droplets on the late-summer grass: -- no application yet, do you know? --
2. yellow heart on scorched earth: God gives beauty instead of ashes [3]

Writing helps!
I started my blog post with "as I scrolled through my posts, the echo of the past caught up with me." The echo has faded away, and my stomach ache is gone. Do you also find that it helps to write things down?

💬 Or are you more of a talker?

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💞 What do you think of my tear-off calendar quote? Aha! or huh?
🌞 What are the glimmers of light in the gray of your life?

[1] An old closed-off blog that I maintained for family and friends when we were going through a difficult period as a family around 2011 when our sixteen-year-old son was admitted to various institutions and eventually into a youth detention center.
[2] I wrote this blog post in bits and pieces. Now that I'm finishing this translation, it's already Friday.
[3] In Dutch a standing expression for a frightened person is "angsthaas", or "scared hare". What is the best English name for it/
[4] I wrote about the heath fire in June: Observing the scorched heath.

If you spot any errors in my text regarding English grammar or words that are incorrectly translated because there should be a different English term, would you be so kind as to let me know?

How I love 💗 Grace & Truth Linkup and the Sweet Tea & Friends Link Party

Look at the purple flowers!

I'm so happy walking around here. The birds are oddly quiet. It gives this unique vibe in the forest, like nature's holding its breath. I do miss the chirping, but I get it, birds need their peace during molting 'cause it takes so much energy. They're just finding a hideout (and chilling). [1]

Letting the Imagination Run Wild
It's kinda like going through the menopause, I realize. Sometimes you just don't have the energy to be all cheerful. I chuckle because my imagination is going wild again, and I snap a pic of my shadow on the forest path. Hey there, it's me... Not molting. But I've already come a long way through my menopause, you know?"

Sighing Trees
Now I'm passing through this sad part of the woods. Climate change is causing a massive die-off of larch and spruce trees. Like way back, the apostle Paul said creation groans in birth pains, well, I'm groaning a bit too as I walk through here. It looks so gloomy. I glance up at the blue sky. When will He make all things new? That's when Earth will be truly beautiful. More amazing than I can imagine.

I've Sighed Too
A couple of weeks ago, I was sighing too. I couldn't see a way forward. Lisa Elliot wrote in her blog: "We all have a limit. And I reached mine. Not for the first time in my life. I felt emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained." [2] Her words hit me 'cause they perfectly summed up how awful I felt. I'm thinking back to that as I walk past these dead trees.

From My Diary:
July 31

Lately, I've been having these dark thoughts. Just saw the photo of Mom and Dad on the wall, and a bunch more pics of people who've passed away. I'm crying over the imperfection, over life being "a sigh," grieving losses... (in my diary, I mention names and stuff). I can't see beauty; I feel drained. But...

 
(Continue below the photo)

💖 But... Mandy's blog comforted me. [3] She wrote,

"God is waiting for you, to take you in His arms, to recharge you, restore you, and refresh you with His Holy Spirit. Sometimes He does it like a fast charger, in rapid time. But more often, He takes His time with you, sets you apart, and fills you with His Holiness. It might feel like it takes forever, but He's got you and wants to have you with Him in Eternity."

God knows about me. He sees how exhausted I feel, and all I have to do is to be His child.

End of my Diary Page

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Yep, yep, yep, it's blooming still!
I leave the sighing spruces far behind and head toward the heath. Thanks to God, a few weeks of rest, my hubby's love, a talk with the therapist... I'm feeling resilient again and way happier. Plus... being in nature is just awesome! I keep coming back to the heath to check if it's still blooming. And every time, I'm almost dancing as I say: yep, yep, yep, it's still in bloom.

💜 I can already see my bench.

If Jesus Sat Beside Me, What'd...
I drop my backpack and walking stick and take a seat. This is my spot for reading, letting-go-of-everything spot, savoring spot, meeting spot. And I think: if Jesus sat next to me on this bench, what would He say? He'd probably point to the heath and say:

Look at those purple flowers. They don't toil or worry about their existence. Even Solomon, with all his splendor, can't match their beauty. Why are you so anxious? Let go. Your Heavenly Father knows what you need. If He cares this much for these heath plants—every summer, He calls them back from death to life—how much more will He care for your immortal soul and your mortal body?

Preaching to Myself
Alright, so Jesus isn't sitting right next to me on this bench, that's for sure. But you know what's so nice? He left us His words, and I'm giving myself a good dose of that Good News. I've had moments when I'm just plain worn out, and days when I'm wrestling with some serious doubt. But here's the thing: if He's putting so much effort into making that field look stunning every single summer, can't I trust that He's more than capable of looking out for me too?

💜💜💜

Loving This Warm Light
As I head back to my bike, I'm completely focused on the beautiful trees around me. Fortunately, the world isn't all dead spruces. Sunlight makes its way to the forest floor. In August, those sunbeams seem to have a velvety glow; I wish I could hold onto it all day: sun gold! [4] And as a bonus, I spot an amazing spider web hanging between the trees. I walk through a deep layer of old leaves to get there and snap a photo.

“When summer gathers up her robes of glory, and like a dream of beauty glides away.”
— Sarah Helen Whitman

✨ I wanted to capture the web's sparkle. Did I succeed?

Quote from Elyse F.
I'm wrapping up my blog post with a quote to encourage my fellow Christian "sisters":

Let the counsel of Jesus penetrate deep into your hopeless heart, take root, and grow into complete trust: "Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." (John 14:27) "Whoever believes in Me will live, even though they die" (John 11:25). Yeah, it might look gloomy, but joy comes in the morning, with the break of day. Source: Home, Elyse Fitzpatrick [5]

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[1] Moulting Birds
[2] Lisa Eliott: The well that never runs dry (lees het)
[3] Mandy's blog: Zoete Genade
[4] During August, the sun is positioned lower in the sky. Its rays have to traverse a greater expanse of atmosphere before reaching our eyes. This leads to a greater scattering of light, giving it a softer quality.
[5] Book: Home, how heaven and the new earth satisfy our deepest longing

🚶‍♀️🌳 Have you ever gone for a walk in August? Your experience? 

🌲😢 Seen dead trees due to drought? What did you feel?

Linked to: One Word 2023 August Linkup (my One Word is healthy)

Lucky Clover: A Spiritual Lesson

Hey, guess what? God can totally use a simple houseplant to teach you something awesome. I've got this amazing God and this adorable little plant. The plant's got a fancy name: lucky clover (oxalis purpurea). It's been chillin' on my windowsill for ages. Every night, it closes up its leaves, only to open 'em again in the morning. It's like a leafy alarm clock, but way cuter!

That's called "nyctinasty": sleep movements in leaves. It's nature's way of saying, "Little plant, the light's changing, let's take a nap!" 🌿🌙

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🎥 In the video above, you can see how the plant's leaves close and reopen. 

👀 Have you ever seen such a thing like that that?

From my diary 

2017
Okay, time for a little diary entry flashback. This one's from way back in 2017, the good ol' pre-COVID days. Picture me, late at night, creeping through the room. And then, bam! I spot my lucky clover, stretching its leaves towards the light, like it's on a leafy mission. It's practically begging for the new morning's light. It deeply touched me.

👇 Keep reading, there's more stuff below the photo.

In the midst of life's chaos, I wanna be like that plant, eagerly looking forward to the light of a brand new day. Well, actually, looking forward to God Himself. Like Micha in the Bible said, "I will watch expectantly for the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me." - Micha 7:7

Here's a gem from C.H. Spurgeon:

Before you know it, your frown will turn into a smile. He who controls the clouds can easily clear up the sky. So don't be cryin' all night long, wipe those tears away. Let's bust out a little "Hallelujah!" Because when morning* comes, our soul's sorrow will be history. Light, warmth, joy, and clarity of insight will come. Wait courageously for Him and look to Him.

✋ End of diary quote

Double happiness and a poem 

Now, let's talk about double happiness and a beautiful poem. Remember, this diary entry is from 2017, way before the pandemic hit.

Fast forward to today, and I've got not one, but two lucky plants. Double the happiness and I'm learning double lessons in seeking God!" And guess what? I got a surprise package with a book by Rita Klapwijk [1] with a nice poem that hit me just like my oxalis did in 2017. It totally vibes with my blog, so let me translate Rita's words for you who don't speak Dutch.

Seeking God

In the silence of the evening,

I seek You

by directing my heart

towards Your quiet presence.

You refresh my weary soul,

and Your mercy satisfies my longing heart.

In the silence of the evening,

I consciously seek You.

For with You, and You alone,

my soul finds its rest.

Rita Klapwijk

Failing and feeling frustrated as a believer (yes)

Okay, let's get real for a sec. As a believer, I gotta admit, my lucky plant totally schools me. It turns toward the light, seeks God (who calls Himself the light in the Bible)! Every evening, it reaches out for that heavenly glow. Me? Well, I'm not as proactive. Sometimes, I feel like a believer who's failed the course. So, what's my move?

Jessica Thompson [2] describes it this way:

I start listing all my failures: wasting way too much time on social media, neglecting my Bible, forgetting to pray, zoning out during church sermons, ignoring the thought of reaching out to a friend who's going through a tough time, and the list goes on. Next thing you know, I'm drowning in self-criticism, feeling even more exhausted and burdened. And that usually leads to plopping down with a bag of pita chips, munching away while mindlessly scrolling through distractions. I'm desperately seeking relief within myself. And let me tell ya, that strategy never, ever works!

Come to Me 

So, here's the deal. That's NOT how it's done. Lesson learned. When I'm weighed down by sin or simply life's struggles, Jesus calls out to me, saying, "Hey, come over here, to Me." And let me tell ya, He's not waiting there with a raised fist ready to scold me. He knows me, and He gets that in those moments, I need to hear more about who He is, so I'm drawn to Him. He says, "I'm gentle and humble at heart."

Photos of my lucky plant 

Now, enough chit-chat! How's life treatin' ya? These pics in this blog post are from a few weeks ago, early in the morning. Oh, and before I go, just wanna say, I'm not only lookin' forward to God, but also to a wonderful vacation week with my husband. What about you? What's got you excited?

[1] Het licht tegemoet, Rita Klapwijk and Caroline van de Vate, pages 20 and 21 

[2] How God Loves Us, Jessica Thompson, page 182 

*the (new) morning can refer to the return of Jesus, but also to a faith encounter with Him

💜 Get yourself a funny plant too. 

🌿  What's your all-time favorite plant, and how does it remind you of faith and God's care?

🙋 If you don't believe in God, what beautiful spiritual lesson do you learn from the plant world? 

💬 What are you lookin' forward to?