I woke up at 3 a.m. shaking.
Nausea. A pounding head. My chest tight, as if something heavy was pressing down on it. No bad dream. Just my body in full alarm.
And I knew exactly why.
I’m writing a memoir about church pain. I’ve lived through it once. But every time I write it chronologically, my body reacts as if it’s happening again. Church hurt doesn’t stay politely in the past.
Patience Is Not Slow Pushing
My word has been patience. I tell myself I’m not rushing. I know books take time. Healing takes time.
But patience is not pushing more slowly.
It’s knowing when pushing is still pushing.
I wasn’t rushing the timeline.
I was gripping the weight.
Opening My Hands
This morning I listened to a short devotion about praying with clenched fists — naming what you’re holding — and then opening your hands to release it.
When I closed my fists, I knew what I was holding.
Not just the book.
The need to carry it thoroughly. Chronologically. Completely.
As if telling the truth requires reliving everything.
It doesn’t.
I can write sideways. In fragments. With space. Even with humor. I can let the process be held, instead of holding it myself.
Patience, Again
And now I’m sitting here on a day when my head still feels tired. I know I shouldn’t make big decisions when I’m this worn out.
But I do know this:
Patience.
Even if I choose a completely different entry point for this book — that’s okay.
I’m not failing if I change the structure.
I’m not failing if I don’t tell it chronologically.
I’m not failing if I protect my nervous system.
The story isn’t going anywhere.
So today, I’ll let it rest.
wow.....my husband and I have both been victims of spiritual abuse via a church we attended for years. Let's just say we are super thankful we heard the voice of God to GET OUT. I'm looking forward to your story. This post really resonated with me as I've been told to share my own story of childhood abuse at the hands of a church leader (no I am not nor wasn't Catholic!). Patience.....
ReplyDeleteHaving patience with ourselves is often times the hardest to have, Aritha. Yes, it is good to rest knowing God has our plans in His hands. Blessings!
ReplyDelete(((HUGS))) and prayers for you. May God give you the courage and the strength to do whatever He has laid on your heart to do or say, but always cover your words with prayer before submitting them. Let God direct your words and fingers as you write. He will guide you in the right direction for the when, where, how, why and what needs to be written. Yes, patience is important. Let The Holy Spirit be your guide and speak through you. Then the story will be all that it needs to be. I will be praying for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that the church has hurt you. I hope and pray that you will find courage to deal with whatever is on your heart. Blessings, GM
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