Worried "angsthaas" searching for glimmers of light

Oh no, that really gives me a stomach ache! With a quick movement, I click away from the blog post. [1] My goal was simple: find the quote. As I scrolled through my posts, the echo of the past caught up with me. 

Coffee and Tear-off Calendar
I get up and walk downstairs to get some coffee. The smell alone perks me up. With a full mug, I pause by my tear-off calendar. Forgotten... It's already Tuesday! [2] I tear off the top sheet with my free hand

Let's see what's on it 👇

 

Don't fixate on the gray clouds, but search for a glimmer of light among them. Source: unknown

My darkness was there every day (2011)
OK, a matter of mindset, right? I search for "beautiful things" every new day and discover a hundred thousand lights in the wonder of the ordinary. But 11 years ago, I couldn't do that at all. I just read about it, and it gave me a pang in my stomach. Back then, I longed for light, but my darkness was there every day.

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No need to doll yourself up
Do you also find it difficult to stay positive when you're in the midst of misery? I was there. And it's okay: the dark emotions. I even think they must exist because how else can you process reality and get closer to yourself? You don't need to doll yourself up and desperately search for bright spots.

💔 How raw it is

I needed people who would sit next to me without saying anything. And the next day, and the day after that too. That would have been nice. I remember those who did that.

Pfff... serious talk!

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Saw those in real life!
Back to a slightly lighter setting. Speaking of glimmers of light: I saw those in real life during my walk. The sun kept peeking through the clouds. I wrote about it in my diary.

From my diary
Monday, August 28th

My hands feel cold and stiff. It's chilly... autumn is coming! I feel it deep in my fingers' bones... I see the gray sky open up before my eyes: look, there's a big streak of sky blue. But the clouds are still there, hanging low above the tops of the pine trees in the distance, and above my head too.

Is rain coming? My app says no. I double-checked before I left. Yep, always, always want to cover my bases for what's coming. Too bad, because that doesn't work. The weather is so unpredictable, and so is life. God knows the present and sees my future. Is that enough for me? Yes.

My vacation is over. I'm eager to start, but at the same time, I'm dreading it. I can already see trouble brewing. What if...  Oh no, I don't want to think like that. Blow away, you thoughts!

End of diary page

An overanxious "angsthaas"

Now I'm back in my writing room. I smile as I read my diary snippet. The gray clouds didn't bring a drop of rain! I call myself an overanxious scaredy-cat (angsthaas in Dutch). Someone once whispered in my ear: more women have that. That's why I share a quote I read last week. This one helped me let my unpleasant thoughts blow away with the wind this morning.

Quote by Martyn Lloyd Jones:

The problems of tomorrow will come, but then it will already be tomorrow and not today. If you want to walk through life without shortchanging yourself and being anxious, which might affect your health and nerves, these are the main rules: don't carry the day of yesterday or the day of tomorrow with you; live for today; for the twelve hours that this day holds. Realize that the God who helps you today will still be the same God tomorrow and will help you tomorrow too. Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Leave everything to Him, trust Him, be assured that He will always go ahead of you, as the Bible says. Go to Him, and you'll see that He's already there, that He knows everything, and also everything about you. Source: Sermons on the Mount, Martyn Lloyd Jones

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Live for today
I'm trying. That's how I find glimmers of light among the gray clouds. Look what I saw during my walk!

Twice a bit of beauty (glimmers of light)

1. droplets on the late-summer grass: -- no application yet, do you know? --
2. yellow heart on scorched earth: God gives beauty instead of ashes [3]

Writing helps!
I started my blog post with "as I scrolled through my posts, the echo of the past caught up with me." The echo has faded away, and my stomach ache is gone. Do you also find that it helps to write things down?

💬 Or are you more of a talker?

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💞 What do you think of my tear-off calendar quote? Aha! or huh?
🌞 What are the glimmers of light in the gray of your life?

[1] An old closed-off blog that I maintained for family and friends when we were going through a difficult period as a family around 2011 when our sixteen-year-old son was admitted to various institutions and eventually into a youth detention center.
[2] I wrote this blog post in bits and pieces. Now that I'm finishing this translation, it's already Friday.
[3] In Dutch a standing expression for a frightened person is "angsthaas", or "scared hare". What is the best English name for it/
[4] I wrote about the heath fire in June: Observing the scorched heath.

If you spot any errors in my text regarding English grammar or words that are incorrectly translated because there should be a different English term, would you be so kind as to let me know?

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